The Food and Drug Administration on Tuesday announced it will begin the process of pulling prescription fluoride drops and tablets for children off the market. The supplements are usually given to kids at high risk for cavities.
The federal government and some state legislatures are increasingly drawing attention to what they claim are the risks associated with fluoride, a mineral that’s been used for decades in community water systems, toothpastes and mouth rinses to prevent tooth decay.
Dentists fiercely contest the notion that the harms of fluoride outweigh the benefits.
You could make a great movie about the fluoride prohibition of the 2020s.
[Opening shot: A dark, rain-slicked cityscape. Neon signs flicker. A child’s toothbrush lies abandoned in a puddle.]
Narrator (gravelly voice): In a world where fluoride is forbidden…
[Cut to a sleek black SUV speeding through a checkpoint. Inside, a woman in a lab coat loads a capsule into a hidden compartment behind a false toothpaste tube.]
Narrator: …one syndicate dares to keep the smiles alive.
[Cue dramatic music. A warehouse door slams open. Inside: crates of fluoride tablets, glowing faintly blue. Armed guards in dental scrubs patrol the perimeter.]
Agent Plaque (sternly): “They’re dosing kids in back-alley clinics. We need to shut them down—permanently.”
[Montage: high-speed chases through suburban cul-de-sacs, a drone crashing into a jungle gym, a slow-motion shot of a fluoride pill flying through the air and landing in a glass of water.]
The Molar (smirking): “You can take the fluoride out of the pharmacies… but you can’t take the sparkle out of the people.”
[Cue epic music drop. Explosions. A toothbrush sword fight. A child grinning with unnaturally white teeth.]
Narrator: This summer… the fight for dental freedom begins.
FLUORIDE WARS: THE SPARKLE SYNDICATE
Coming soon to a theater near you. Brush responsibly.
We already have one: Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.